she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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