Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
