just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
