At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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