u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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