Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
