Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
