Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
