Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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