He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
