Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
