everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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