Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
