My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
