How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
