I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
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He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
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Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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