Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
