He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
