So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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