Your face is a jimmy john
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
