I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
