i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
