I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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