i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Randomize
