I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
