Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
