: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
