The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
