dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
