That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
