Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
