I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
