his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
