i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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