i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Randomize
