Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
