Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
