You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
