I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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