I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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