Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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