How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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