Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
