I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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