No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
