new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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