I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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