I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
