The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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