Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I wish there were birth control emojis
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
