also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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