I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize