So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
