I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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