life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
