There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
