I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
