Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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