i already hear my dad disowning me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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