I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
