So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
