I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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