Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
